REAL Housewives of Orange County star Kara Keough said that thinking of baby McCoy "makes my throat ache like I'm being choked" six months after the newborn's death.
The Bravo star shared a candid post grieving the loss of her son on Instagram on Tuesday.
The 31-year-old posted a black a white shot of herself kissing McCoy as her husband, Kyle Bosworth, looked on.
She began in the caption: "Six months ago, I laid my eyes on you for the first time. I turned your big body around then looked at Daddy with a mixture of shock and pride and said, 'It’s a boy.'
"Three hours later, I limped into the NICU to start what would be my first and last days of kissing you.
"Somehow, I kissed you a lifetime’s worth of kisses in six days. All without one kiss back.
"I still think about what it felt like to kiss you, and that I never got kissed back. It all still makes my throat ache like I’m being choked.
"I hate that the thought of kissing you creates this painful and involuntary spasm.
"I’d much rather be thinking of that involuntary happiness spasm that would overtake your body as a 6-month-old."
Kara wrote that she wished she could see McCoy's "joyful jolts" and wondered: "Would we be dropping a nap, hearing you laugh, starting solids?"
The RHOC star continued: "And just where am I supposed to put all this love? This love that I reserved just for you?
"I still put it in you, of course. The love doesn’t leave just because you did. It’s a hard lesson to learn. I was feeling my love for you spilling out of me, in the form of tears, guttural sobs, and that worthless guilt.
"But there are better ways to feel my love for you."
The Bravo star tried to put a positive spin on her grief as she wrote: "Missing you something terrible doesn’t have to be the only way to miss you. I want to miss you wonderfully."
She shared that Kyle recently told her: "Each day, when you feel that strong breeze, or the sun hits your face, or you hear our daughter laugh… that’s our son loving his mama."
Kara wrote: "I considered the beauty in my life and how, like your Daddy said, each one of those little happy winks are you loving me.
"It’s you kissing me back. And that made my throat soften, and my heart open. And that, my boy, is the gift you’ve given me.
"A heart broken wide open is still an open heart.
"We love you, McCoy. And we miss you something wonderful."
Kara – whose mother is former RHOC star Jeana Keough – shared the tragic news that they lost McCoy during a difficult labor in April.
She shared: "On April 6th, our son McCoy Casey Bosworth was born at 3:10am. Weighing in at 11 pounds and 4 ounces and spanning 21 inches, McCoy surprised us all with his size and strength (and overall perfection)."
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