One thing I never saw coming was anything other than a traditional marriage – but at the age of 33, with my husband’s full consent, I turned into a polyamorous vixen. 

At one point, I dated seven (!) different men – three of whom were called David, the advantage of this being there is less chance of making a faux pas calling out the wrong name in bed… And yet, merely months earlier I hadn’t even considered dating multiple people at once, let alone while married.

I was brought up in a strict Catholic family. Throughout my teens and early twenties I was patiently waiting for the prince that would sweep me off my feet, whom I would ceremoniously give my virginity to on our wedding night in an out-of-this-world sexual experience.

Of course, that didn’t happen. 

But still, I was always in monogamous relationships and never considered my sexuality particularly important… until I tried burlesque! 

It was autumn 2011 and I was on the verge of burnout, working 24/7 on my growing business. I turned into a go-getter businesswoman and lived life in the world of reason, ambition and logic. 

Something vital was missing though. One day I realised that the juicy and provocative part of me I once enjoyed was slowly withering away. Growing up, I was always up to something creative; be it singing and songwriting, composing poems and plays, or performing. When I did this, I always felt happiest: empowered, fulfilled, and free. 

Life after starting my own business felt different though – there was little room for creative expression. I knew that I needed to do something to reclaim this precious part of me.

All the while, as I was in a business partnership with my now-husband, Daniel, our romantic and sexual relationship suffered. Even at home we were in ‘getting things done’ mode and started feeling like siblings rather than romantic partners. While this was a sad reality, we barely even registered it.

One day, I serendipitously wandered into a cabaret club called Café de Paris, in between business meetings. I can’t think of what led me there except fate. 

I watched a burlesque show rehearsal and it totally mesmerised me. The dancers on stage, clad in corsets, sequins and glitter suddenly reminded me of something precious. They represented complete freedom from social convention, wacky, over-the-top creativity with a pinch of self-irony and a touch of provocation – everything I held so dearly but had lost.

I decided I was going to find out how to become a burlesque showgirl. True businesswoman style, I did my research, and soon ended up on a course with The Cheek Of It, a school of burlesque and cabaret. I soon started performing in clubs, then internationally. Still, little did I know this would instigate one of the biggest transformations of my life.

I found burlesque empowering in terms of helping me to consciously reclaim my sensual nature and start exploring my sexuality, which had lain dormant. It was a true awakening, and there was no way back. 

Surely, I met many fabulous people while performing. And I soon discovered something new: a growing attraction towards all things feminine. Like many ladies I’d fantasised about other women but never quite had the courage to explore my bicuriosity in the real world. But now I knew that’s what I wanted to do. However, I was in a heterosexual marriage! I broached the subject carefully with my other half, he was both intrigued and also, at the time, concerned. 

Soon, I started attending parties for bicurious women, and, little by little, my husband’s anxieties eased and I started seeing women. 

In 2016, we both stumbled on tantra and sexual shamanism. We felt it was completely transformative when it comes to personal development and sexual development too. We loved the rituals, the community and the values. 

Around this time Daniel told me he no longer felt his sense of security in our relationship was tied to sexual exclusivity. And so, we decided to dip our toes in polyamory.

We were both excited and a little anxious. Could this adventure have a negative impact on our life as a couple? It felt a million miles away from the values I grew up with, and into the unknown. But the pull was stronger than the worries. 

First, we attended an intimate play party to explore what it might feel like to see the other be sexual with someone else. In fact, we were pleased to see the other enjoy the company – and more – of another. There was no jealousy and drama. 

And so, we decided to pursue an open relationship while being fully transparent with one another. Essentially, we would always tell the other what we were up to and explore any feelings that arose. We typically met, and befriended, each other’s partners, too. 

Most often, we went to see different people on the same night with one of us taking their partner back to our place, whereas the other stayed elsewhere. It felt OK knowing my husband was about to have sex with someone else, particularly that in most cases I knew that person and liked them. 

Sex became a natural form of loving expression as opposed to a taboo. Sometimes I’d even spend a weekend with a lover based out of the UK. 

However, after two years, we noticed we were more often intimate with others than we were together, and that turned into a bit of a problem. 

We were spending all of our energies pursuing exciting new connections and neglecting our marriage as a result. After two years of polyamorous exploration, we decided to close our relationship and refocus on ourselves as a couple. 

My husband and I also started organising tantra temple parties, which boil down to slow, conscious (and sober!) exploration of sensual and sexual connections with others. We much prefer this style of sexual expression to the swinging and sex party scene. 

Highlights? How about a head orgasm while having tantric sex with a lover in the south of France; communing with the divine while receiving oral in a hotel room in Amsterdam and spending an awesome New Year’s Eve as a Fabulous Foursome – with my husband, my lover and his lover included?

While being polyamorous I learnt more than I could have imagined about expressing desires and boundaries, fulfilled lots of fantasies, and discovered things – not always positive – about how I tend to function in relationships. I lived a dozen different lives. 

For example, I found myself to be selfish at times and overly focused on my own needs. On another occasion I got romantically involved with a partner and started expecting more than they could or wanted to offer. 

I discovered though that I’m way more interested in intimacy that goes hand-in-hand with an emotional connection and, ideally, a touch of vulnerability. 

Has our experiment been worth it? Absolutely. The overall impact on our relationship has been positive. Would we do this again? Quite possibly so, as we loved experiencing all the romantic richness life has to offer, but while protecting the space for togetherness.

To anyone curious about pursuing an open relationship, or polyamory, I would say: do some soul searching to get conscious of why you want to do it. Perhaps there are some areas in your relationship where you don’t feel satisfied, in which case it may well be worth focusing on improving them first. 

Secondly, disclose as early as possible any new connections that you (intend to) have relationships with multiple people – this will help avoid misunderstandings. 

On top of this, keep checking in with yourself and your partner(s) on how things feel and where your boundaries are, they often shift! 

And, of course, be prepared to encounter challenges – some partners may be more available than others, jealousy and/or insecurity could show up.

Lastly, understand that not all of your family and friends will be supportive or even accepting, this isn’t everybody’s cup of tea. 

Whatever you choose to do, be aware that there are different styles of relating that can be rich and fulfilling and don’t judge those whose choices are different to yours. Whatever you choose should be for your partner and you only.

You can find Paulina’s book ‘Laid Bare: What the Business Leader Learnt From the Stripper’ here.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

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