Usually, when you become an adult, your friendship circle becomes smaller and smaller.

Although this can be perceived as a bad thing at first, it’s often for the better.

The older we get, the more our responsibilities pile up and our once ample free time slowly melts away, leaving us with less freedom and fewer free days in our diaries.

And, as free time becomes more coveted, the more we value it. That could mean cutting out people who no longer serve us.

But it’s not always obvious when a friendship is taking more from you than it gives back, and letting go of friendships is much harder than simply blocking and deleting. 

But there are some signs that a friendship is no longer right for you, and you should probably walk away.

Here are some friendship red flags to look out for, according to James Thomas, a relationship expert at Condoms.uk:

The friendship feels one-sided

It can be draining to constantly feel like you’re giving and never receiving, especially in a friendship.

‘If you notice that you’re the only one who reaches out or tries to plan things, you are in a one-sided relationship,’ explains Thomas. 

‘Sometimes there might be more to the situation than you realise, and they might not even realise how it’s impacting you,’ he continues.

But if this behaviour is ongoing, it might be a sign to take a step back from your friendship.

They put you down

‘There is a difference between mutual mocking/banter and feeling small and humiliated,’ says Thomas.

In friendships where banter is prevalent, that line can be very, very thin and it’s important to be aware when your friend is laughing at you and not with you.

‘If you hear that you are ‘too sensitive’ and ‘it’s only a joke’ all too often, it is a major red flag and could be an indicator of abuse,’ Thomas continues. 

‘Your friend should be a big supporter in your life who only politely calls you out when you are in the wrong.’

They complain all the time

Being used as someone’s therapist can become very intense, very quickly. 

While it’s important to be there for your friends when they’re going through a tough time, the same has to be true vice versa.

‘Like everything in life, we need to vent to our circle when things get a little too much,’ says Thomas. 

‘However, if your friend is constantly complaining to you, it can soon become the only basis for your communication and will become very draining.’

They copy you

While this might sound silly to some, having someone copy you can be a major red flag.

As Thomas explains: ‘It is flattering when your friend wants to buy the same jacket as you, but if this becomes a pattern, it’s a red flag. 

‘It can be a sign of insecurity and trying to find themselves, but it can feel suffocating.’

They don’t take responsibility for their mistakes

‘If your friend doesn’t see when they’ve made a mistake or caused you hurt, that’s a big issue,’ says Thomas.

If you’ve ever had to force an apology out of someone, you’ll know exactly how this feels.

‘It indicates that they lack self-awareness and empathy,’ Thomas adds.

‘If this issue is recurring, you might need to reconsider the friendship as it can take a large toll on your mental health having to defend yourself or apologise for situations when you’re the one that has been wronged.’

How to distance yourself from a toxic friendship

So, you’ve done the maths and you’ve realised a friendship you once loved is no longer adding anything positive to your life – now what?

‘There are plenty of ways to end a toxic friendship,’ says relationship expert Rebecca Eggleton:

Rip the bandaid off

‘Some people need closure, so the best option for them may be to arrange to meet the person in a public place where you can talk to them and explain why you don’t want to continue with the friendship,’ says Rebecca.

‘This can benefit both parties in the long run. It’s ok to tell someone how their behaviour has affected you and then move on. 

‘They may make promises to change but ultimately that is up to them – you can’t control how other people behave.’

Slowly phase out the friendship

‘If you don’t feel comfortable meeting with the other person, you could phase out the friendship slowly by cutting down on the amount of times you see them and don’t respond as much to their calls and texts,’ says Rebecca.

This could give you time to acknowledge the pitfalls of the friendship while still keeping space for it in your life.

If you’re lucky, you might even see that, overtime, the toxicity begins to fade and you can continue your friendship as before.

Stick to your boundaries

Finally, it’s important to remember that you are not to blame in these situations and to leave any feelings of guilt behind. 

‘Some friendships leave you heavily reliant on that person…and you may find it hard to let go,’ Rebecca adds.

‘Make sure you put in boundaries and stick to them. 

‘Try to surround yourself with positive people, treat yourself and find ways to fill the void that friendship has left. 

‘It’s completely normal to feel emotional pain at the end of these types of friendships; you may experience anger, upset, anxiety, loneliness and even grief but ultimately you deserve to be treated better and you are doing yourself a disservice by staying in a toxic friendship.’

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