DEAR DEIDRE: FRIENDS say I’m gullible and being played for a mug by my married lover – but I want to believe our love is real.
I’ve been having a long-distance relationship with a married woman for five months.
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We met online and have been hooking up every week or so in hotels near her.
I’m 49 and have been single for many years since my divorce. She’s 38 and very unhappily married.
She says she’s planning to leave him soon but it’s difficult because of money.
The sex we have is out of this world — uninhibited and passionate.
She promises she no longer has sex with her husband — or even sleeps in the same room — and says they are more like flatmates.
She tells me she’s madly in love with me and we have something special.
But I’m starting to have niggling doubts about her and about where our relationship is going.
Whenever she texts there are big gaps in our conversation, and I can see she’s typing on her phone. I suspect she might be talking to other men, too.
When I’ve called her out on it, she says she’s talking to her mum or to a girlfriend.
She never rings or texts me at night, which is weird if, as she says, she doesn’t sleep with her husband.
And even though she says she’s going to leave him soon and move nearer to me, she’s done nothing about it.
She won’t even get on the train for an hour and come to my town for a night — even if I buy a ticket.
I’ve talked it over with a couple of old friends and they think I’m being naive.
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“There’s no fool like an old fool,” one of them said. It stung.
Are my friends right? Am I just a desperate middle-aged man being played for a fool?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Your friends have your best interests at heart and don’t want to see you hurt, but they aren’t in your relationship.
However, if your gut is telling you something doesn’t ring true, then it’s wise not to ignore it.
Having an affair with a married woman is beset with problems of trust, insecurity and jealousy.
Your lover may be telling the truth – that she does love you and wants to be with you – but that doesn’t mean she is ready, willing or even able to leave.
My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, will tell you more about the issues here.
If, as it sounds, you want a committed relationship, it may be that you need to end things and try to meet someone who is single and available.
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