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I knew that bringing a child into this world would mean pain. I've watched a fair few episodes of One Born Every Minute with my head held in my hands. And I once made the mistake of reading an article about a woman's perineal tear that made me eyes water and put me right off my takeaway curry.
But what I never envisioned was that my journey to birth would be so painful. To be more specific, a literal pain in my bumhole. Yes mother, I'm discussing my bumhole in a public forum. Let's hope Granny never learns how to access the internet and Google my name.
At 25 weeks pregnant, I have experienced a lot of different twinges, pains and soreness. Recently, I went to Cornwall with my best girl mates to enjoy a little baby moon. We planned long coastal walks and plenty of sight seeing around the gorgeous spot of St Ives.
It was picture perfect. The sun, the sea, my best mates. Yet also a stabbing sensation in my bottom that was putting a bit of a dampener on the festivities. It hurt. A lot. It made my eyes water and even though I tried to shrug it off, it kept me awake at night.
After a quick chat with my midwife, it turns out it could be one of many things. Sciatica, for instance. Which is a basically a long nerve that can cause pain down your back, bum or feet.
My midwife also suggested it could be my uterus expanding and putting pressure on my bum. And she said it could even be trapped wind.
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Yes, my horrid pain that caused me to pause momentarily and adopt a squat position may just be the result of too much elderflower fizz and salt and vinegar crisps. This is not the ethereal image of myself I had pictured during pregnancy. I envisioned long flowing gowns and glowing skin. Not a fart that can't quite quite escape.
I've also had a lot of lower stomach pain. A stretching pain that feels a bit like when you've pulled a muscle. Again, my midwife said that's likely to just be my body expanding for pregnancy. Which is odd considering I usually bloat out to look around 9 months pregnant after a McDonald's so you'd think my belly would be ready to go.
I suppose it's mostly frustrating because it means I have to slow down. I'm stubborn and I want to feel like I'm still me and still able to do the things I used to do. I want to walk as far as I used to walk and keep up with my non-pregnant mates like it's no big deal. But at six months pregnant, I have to accept my body has changed. And sometimes even a trapped fart can leave me sofa bound.
I still forget I'm pregnant at times. When I try and run up the stairs and wonder why I'm gasping for breath. Or when I try to get out of bed and realise it's now easier to simply roll off the mattress than attempt to sit up. Pregnancy does have some perks though. I'm no longer required to do any hard labour or pick up heavy things.
People offer to carry my bags and my fiancé even does the washing up and all of the house work. I mean, he doesn't always scrap all the food off the plates and his attempt at cleaning the toilet would have you clutching your pearls. But it's the thought that counts.
Still it's alarming to think that all this pain is just the warm up for the big day. Sometimes I can't believe how fast the due date is approaching. I'm excited and I cannot wait to meet my baby boy. But if my pregnancy pain is merely the amuse bouche before the main course of labour, then lord help me…
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