There’s a sex act that’s worryingly becoming the norm even though it’s dangerous and most women hate it, says Tracey Cox – so what should YOU do if a partner suggests it?
- Tracey Cox says choking your partner is the new fetish for under 30s
- READ MORE: Five questions to ask if you’re doubting your union
If you’re under 30, it’s as normal as having oral sex.
Social media feeds, forums, women’s magazines all reflect how mainstream this fetish now is.
It’s packaged as a risqué new sex practice that’s gripping millennials. And that’s meant literally.
Breath play is choking or strangling your partner – deliberately cutting off their air supply – to enhance the intensity of sex.
Its popularity can (of course) be linked to porn.
Porn increasingly depicts aggressive and rough sex acts, including choking, face-slapping, spitting and gagging.
Tracey Cox says choking your partner is the new fetish for under 30’s. It’s packaged as a risqué new sex practice that’s gripping millennials (stock image)
Young men use porn as sex education and grow up convinced that choking is all part of a ‘normal’ sex life.
But women’s magazines and websites have also legitimised it as a form of sex play.
While some women do enjoy choking (usually light), most go along with largely to pleasure their partners. Which is, let’s face it, alarming.
Worse, while choking has been mainstreamed, seeking enthusiastic and ongoing consent hasn’t.
Of seventy-one percent of men who’d choked, gagged or spat on a partner during sex, one third hadn’t asked her if she’d like it done.
Scariest of all: most women think it’s safe. I’m here to tell you it isn’t.
Tracey Cox revealed what to do if a partner suggests choking and what to do if you want to try breath play
The appeal of being lightly choked
There’s a world of difference between light choking and serious ‘breath play’.
Light choking – your partner placing one or two hands over your throat and simply holding them there or applying light pressure, is reasonably safe.
CHOKING STATISTICS
In the US, a reputable 2022 study found 58 per cent of college students had been choked during sex – with a quarter choked by age 17.
It’s estimated around 13 per cent of sexually active girls in America aged 14 to 17 have already been choked. Those figures are replicated by studies in the UK.
A Woman’s Health magazine poll of 1500 women found 57 per cent were ‘very’ anti choking during sex, while 32% had tried and some were fans.
People aged 18-29 are most likely to engage in choking and it’s way more usual for men to do it to women than vice versa.
This is more about symbolism and fantasy. Having a man’s hands around your throat plays into fantasies about submission and ‘ravishment’.
This person wants you so badly, they’ll do anything to have you. YOU feel power over THEM, not the other way around.
‘Breath play’ is different
When oxygen is restricted to the brain, you feel lightheaded and dizzy. When the pressure is released, the rush of breath that follows releases endorphins which create a feeling of heightened exhilaration.
The body releases these hormones as a protective reaction, but it can feel pleasurable and result in intense orgasms.
Sounds appealing? This pleasure comes at a cost.
Get choking wrong – and it’s easily done – and it can lead to serious injury and even death.
No doctor will advise it
Few, if any, health practitioners condone choking.
The line between safe play and serious harm is too fine.
Take a good look at your partner when they are in the throes of orgasm.
Most men (and women) disappear into an inner world: unaware of what’s happening in the outside world, conscious only of the pleasure they are experiencing.
Press on the larynx too hard and you can kill someone in under a minute.
Let me repeat that: under one minute.
How easy is it to lose control for one minute when sexually aroused? Now imagine either of you are drunk or high on top of that (which most young people are).
Choking and breath play can cause heart attacks, brain damage, a damaged larynx, aspiration (vomiting which can cause long-term breathing problems) and death.
Even if you take all the proper precautions, side-effects can still include coughing, feeling disorientated, drowsiness, muscle weakness and a loss of coordination.
These might not sound dangerous but if you feel unsafe and need to get out quickly, they can be deadly.
What to do if a partner suggests it
Given the consequences, it’s not surprising that lots of women don’t want to engage. Not all men do, either.
Choking goes against everything men have been been told: never hurt a woman.
Plenty said they are shocked and ‘really put off’ if a woman asks them to do it.
WHAT IF IT HAPPENS WITHOUT CONSENT?
If you’re having sex and the person you’re with puts their hands (or another apparatus) around your throat without permission, say: ‘No! I don’t want that!’ quickly, loudly and clearly.
Explain that it’s not something you want or enjoy and that you aren’t interested in continuing to have sex if choking is part of it.
Make it clear you mean business and most men will stop.
If you can’t speak, use your body to resist by kicking and hitting him anywhere you can reach.
This should at least cause him to pause. You then say, ‘Stop. I don’t like this.’ If he doesn’t immediately apologise, say, ‘If you continue, it’s without my consent which means it’s sexual assault’.
If you feel unsafe, get yourself out of there as soon as possible.
Keep your phone near you during sex and have a safety app installed (one that responds if you touch or shake it and calls a friend).
If you live with other people who are home, consider going back to your place instead of theirs.
‘It’s the most unwoke thing I can think of,’ one 18-year-old told me. ‘Roleplay is fine but actually physically cutting off her breath? No way!’
How to handle it if your partner suggests choking and you aren’t interested?
Simply say, ‘I can get why you want to do it but it’s not something I’m interested in. It’s too dangerous. I’m happy to do X instead though.’
X might be placing hands on your neck with no pressure – or tapping into the ‘erotic danger’ vibe another safer way.
He could hold back your hair and (lightly or firmly) pull on it. You can focus in on the vulnerability of the throat by letting him bite or kiss it.
Tie-up games are also a safer way to play a power exchange game.
A decent man won’t push it further if you’ve said this.
If he brands you ‘boring’ for not wanting to try, he’s the one who is uninventive and not worthy of you.
Stick to your guns and NEVER be forced into trying something you don’t want to.
Here’s what young women say about choking
‘He had no idea I was terrified by the experience’
I went on a date six months ago and ended up drunk, back at the man’s house. He was a big guy. He put both his hands around my throat and squeezed hard. I was gasping for breath, and I passed out. When I woke up, he was asleep beside me. I got out of there fast and considered myself lucky. The next morning, he messaged me to say he’d had a great time and that the sex was ‘awesome’
‘It’s scary knowing that the guy could hurt you’
But it’s kind of exciting as well. I’m talking very mild choking though. It’s more about the symbolism – he places his hands around my neck but there’s no real pressure applied.
‘It’s so common now, it’s unusual for it not to happen’
Most of my friends have experienced it (I’m 22). Some like it but most of us go along with it because it’s what’s expected. If you don’t do it, you won’t be thought of as interesting sexually. If you want the guy to like you, you go along with it.
‘Men are quite rough with young women now’
It first happened to me when I was 18. It’s happened a lot since then and not once have I given consent. I don’t like it, but it’s how young people have sex now.
Tracey’s website, traceycox.com, has details of her blog, her SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey podcast, her books and product ranges.
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