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Being a modest, civilised people, those of us fortunate enough to live in God’s Own State, Victoria, have no wish to crow.

Still, it would be remiss of us not to note that our capital city, Melbourne, is newly ranked the third most liveable city in the world!

It is not, of course, quite a return to that blessed period of glory when, for seven consecutive years from 2011 to 2017, Melbourne was named the most liveable city in the entire world.

Oh, how we preened. No visitor was spared the knowledge, even if they had no idea what it meant. Have you seen our laneways, we cried?

Number three spot may not replay such giddy times, but satisfyingly for Melbourne’s boosters, it leaves the glitzy city to the north still languishing.

Sydney is in (ahem) fourth spot.

This is perfectly respectable, of course.

It’s certainly an improvement on 2022, when Sydney dropped out of the top 10 to find itself ranked at 13, somewhat behind Melbourne’s 10th spot.

But fourth is not third, as Melburnians are entitled to sniff – and who undoubtedly will do so.

Now that COVID disruptions have eased, the two cities run neck-and-neck on attributes such as healthcare, education and infrastructure, where they are both judged at 100 out of 100.

Seriously.

We can only picture the mighty gales of relief that will blow through the offices of two premiers assailed daily with uncomplimentary public commentary about hospitals, schools, roads and trains.

The breakpoint is to be found in the category marked culture and environment.

Here, Melbourne receives a score of 95.8, while Sydney gets 94.4.

Melbourne rated higher in the category of culture and environment.Credit: Joe Armao

It stands to reason.

Sydney may have its opera house, but Melbourne has the MCG, considered by Melburnians to be the world’s greatest cultural institution.

Melbourne also boasts an art gallery it has called with creative abandon, for well over a century, the National Gallery of Victoria.

Yes, yes, the Sydney equivalent was founded quite a long time ago, too, but it settled on the decidedly unambitious name of Art Gallery of NSW. Points lost, obviously.

Even Sydney’s old cultural boast of being Sin City has faded. King’s Cross has become insipid. Who can remember the last time even an Ibrahim was spotted in the vicinity?

And before we hear the inevitable bellowing that Sydney has the world’s most glorious harbour and the finest ocean beaches anywhere, let us point out that this may be true, but there is no category for the most squillionaires with views of the harbour or the ocean.

This is about liveability.

Consider the business of ordinary people getting around.

Melbourne has been awarded the title of third most liveable city.Credit: Wayne Taylor

Sydney, its traffic snarled everywhere, claims to have the second-largest light rail network in Australia. It has three lines, with 42 stops over 25km.

You’d wonder how Sydneysiders get to the footy, until you recall that rugby league is what they call footy.

Melbourne’s tram network is, shall we say, larger: 250 kilometres of double tram tracks, 493 trams, 24 routes, and 1763 tram stops. And Melbourne invented the culturally and environmentally magnificent hook turn to make it possible for trams to run on city streets and to bamboozle out-of-state motorists.

There are many, of course, who will have no Earthly reason to care about any of this.

Sydney’s light rail can’t compete with Melbourne’s tram network.Credit: Ben Symons

Those who sleep huddled on the streets or beneath bridges or in cars, or who shuttle from borrowed couch to substandard rooming house, seem unlikely to be transfixed by the news that Melbourne and Sydney rank high on the world’s liveability ladder.

They are among the masses – including, we’d be sure, the burgeoning group unable to imagine buying a house in either city in which to sample stable liveability – who may not even care that the scale is drawn up each year by something swaggering under the label of the Economist Intelligence Unit.

This London-based outfit spruiks that it “provides accurate and impartial intelligence for companies, government agencies, financial institutions and academic organisations around the globe, inspiring business leaders to act with confidence since 1946”.

In other words, it’s a fat cats’ guide to where it might be best to send your executives to run a business.

The “intelligence unit” chose this year to include Ukraine’s capital, Kyiv, instantly relegating it to one of the 10 cities judged to be burdened with the world’s most intolerable living conditions. Ukraine’s thank you note may get lost in the mail, we predict.

So what do Vienna – at number one – and Copenhagen – at two – have that Melbourne and Sydney haven’t?

Apart, in the case of Vienna, from imperial palaces, the waltz and the Danube; or a royal palace and a Little Mermaid in Copenhagen?

What about Melbourne’s laneways, we might cry? And Sydney’s harbour bridge?

Hmmm?

Tony Wright is the associate editor and special writer for The Age.

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