Kim Kardashian’s lawyer vows: 'Expect equal custody, 50/50 on property & bring your inner Tarzan' into divorce battle

KIM Kardashian should expect equal custody of her kids, 50/50 on property and use different colored post it notes to divide her prized possessions with Kanye, according to a book by her celebrity lawyer.

Laura Wasser is the no-nonsense queen of divorce attorneys having presided over the the celebrity splits of Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears, Ashton Kutcher and Ryan Reynolds to name just a few.

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She's now reportedly representing the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star in her potential divorce with rapper Kanye West.

And the attorney is quite happy to share the secrets of the “perfect divorce" in her book It Doesn’t Have To Be That Way: How to Divorce Without Destroying your Family Or Bankrupting Yourself.

And while Kim is believed to be going for full custody of their four kids, Wasser has previously advised couples to share custody.

Despite Kanye’s mental health problems and wild behavior, such as his failed presidential bid, he still deserves an equal right to his property and children, according to California Law.

“No matter who you are, or the size of your wallet… you have an equal claim to custody of your children,” Wasser writes.

"Believe me: No less than once a month does a prospective or current client call me with his or her own diagnosis of the spouse as bipolar, manic-depressive, schizophrenic, or psychopathic. Unless one is institutionalized, the state is unlikely to declare your spouse unfit, so let it go."

It’s the same for property with couples regarded as "equal co-owners of everything earned or acquired during the marriage” and “therefore the split is also equal. It’s fifty-fifty. In California, for better or worse, the rule is pretty hard and fast.”

If Kim and Kanye are fighting over items in the house, Wasser says, "grab a different colored pad of Post-its and you walk through the house together, with each of you slapping your Post-its on the things you want to claim."

Things could get messy though, as everything is up for grabs, she says, it’s not just cars, boats and houses, but “frequent flyer mileage, in fact, is a big-ticket item. Don’t forget about it. And don’t forget the dog, either. Or the cat, parrot, gerbil, boa constrictor."

It may have taken Kim a while to get to this decision, with mom Kris Jenner apparently telling her: “It’s over".

But Wasser says that "the time to dissolve a relationship when the pain or oppression of being in it exceeds the fear or anxiety of being on your own."

She says before you split then "make a list of at least five things your spouse or your marriage holds you back from,” this can be "as simple as sleeping with others or learning ancient Greek.”

Wasser also advises clients to tune into their "inner Tarzan".

"I call it the chest-beater syndrome: Now that you are split from your spouse, you are going to be Tarzan, possessed of capabilities far beyond those of ordinary humans, capabilities that enable you to be the best, the smartest, the most clued-in, most vigilant parent in the world,” advises Wasser.

The one big issue is telling the children and gauging their reaction, the most troublesome could be the age group of Kim and Kanye’s daughter North, seven, rather than the other three younger offspring.

Wasser says that “kids in the six-year-old to eight-year-old range are a tougher nut to crack. The change they confront is likely to be their first experience of grief, and they may well feel angry about it."

She advises clients to: "make a cheat sheet – bullet points for the emotional and even legal answers to the questions they are bound to ask and the concerns.”

Try to avoid court at all costs, Wasser says, use the iSplit app to divvy up all those luxury mansions across the world.

She writes: "iSplit lets the user drag and drop assets and debts representing ten different categories. Keep on changing the configuration, shifting furniture, bank accounts, appliances from one spouse to the other to see what happens. As a way to get negotiations going, this kind of interaction, available at the click of a mouse, can be very useful indeed. I love this app!"

But if the divorce needs to go to court, then, on the day of the case, Wasser says "turn off your cell phone and spit out your gum” and "I routinely advise my clients to take what is called the STFU pill each morning before court; it stands for Shut The F*** Up.

"No judge wants to hear from you except when you are on the witness stand or are replying to a direct question the judge may pose."

And divorce doesn’t have to be lonely, Wasser advices not to turn to family and friends all the time, but go one step further and "listen to Divorce Source Radio” or go to "the annual Divorce Expo, with keynote speakers, seminars, and a marketplace where the newly alone can shop for financial services, self-improvement products, spas and personal trainers, singles resorts, meet-up groups.”

And if that doesn’t work, she advises: "Put up a sign: 'Looking for a divorce support group. Please call this number.' Post it wherever people will see it—the library, the community bulletin board outside the supermarket, houses of worship, the gas station, the post office. Chances are good you’ll get responses."

Wasser says the reason she’s hired by clients like Kim is to get to the end of this process and "help [my] clients navigate this new territory and emerge from it strong in mind, spirit, and resources and eager to move on to the next stage of their lives.”

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