DEAR DEIDRE: MY ex-lover is tormenting me with her new relationship and I can’t get her out of my head.
I’m a 44-year-old guy, married with an eight-year-old daughter.
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Although I’m not proud to admit it, I had an affair that lasted for three years.
My wife and I haven’t had a good sex life since our daughter was born, so I craved intimacy.
I met my lover at work and she gave me the passion I had been missing. We had sex several times in my office, and in the boardroom late at night, which I loved.
But the affair ended six months ago, when my wife, who is 42, discovered my infidelity after finding a receipt for a hotel in my jacket pocket.
I admitted everything. She forgave me and said we should try to make our marriage work for the sake of our little girl.
I agreed, and told my lover, who is 33, that I was not able to see her again. Since then, my wife and I have been having counselling, and we are trying to improve our sex life.
I love my wife but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my lover and the things we did. Sometimes I think about her when having sex with my wife.
Even though I deleted my lover’s details from my phone, and we don’t work together any more, she got back in touch recently via social media.
We chatted a little and she tried to flirt. I put a stop to it, saying it wasn’t appropriate.
But the other day, she sent me a photo of her with another man, in the restaurant we used to go to.
It made me jealous and angry — jealous that she now has someone else, angry that she’s taunting me.
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She has made it clear she would take me back tomorrow, and sometimes in my weaker moments I am tempted.
How can I get this woman out of my head? I don’t want to tear my family apart and I know there’s no future with her.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your lover does not want you to forget her, but if you have any hope of saving your marriage you need to stop all contact with her.
Block her on social media and if she tries to contact you another way, ignore it.
It can be hard to get over a passionate affair. Be patient with yourself and don’t expect things to become perfect overnight.
You have broken your wife’s trust and that will take time to rebuild.
And remind yourself that a real relationship is not like an affair. It might not be passionate and exciting all the time but it can be loving and fulfilling.
My support packs Addictive Love and Looking After Your Relationship will help you move on.
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